Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
