We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
