mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
