I want to walk on stilts...naked
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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