I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
