so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
