i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
