My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
