remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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