Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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