So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize