we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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