How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
