i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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