I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
