homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
