Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
