someone get that fucking seahorse.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
