i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
What a dumb baby whore.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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