I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
