My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
