So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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