so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
