I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
