I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
