I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
