don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
soo... how was my night?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
