I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
The power of my boobs compel you
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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