btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize