today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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