She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
