I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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