i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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