You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
