I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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