Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
