thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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