i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
