i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
