Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
