I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize