We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
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