I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
