I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
They have beer where we have blood.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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