Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize