just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
