he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize