As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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