Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
