at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
