im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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