You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
foreskin is a definite game changer
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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