Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
