hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
