she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
