Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
