It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize