someone threw a dead crab at me
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
