My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
