note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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