Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Ladies don't puke and tell
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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