Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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