That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
