I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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