Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
