I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She bit a glass in half.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
