Do you still have your period?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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