Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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