just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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