i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
