if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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