I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
