My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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