my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Be still, my beating vagina.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
