just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize