forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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