So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
